Ever have the feeling that you’re freefalling and the world is rushing up into your face? Or like the world has decided to hit you in the face with everything that it can find?

I’m surprised that more people are not overwhelmed by life. I think I feel that right now because there are so many things on my plate. Things to do, things I want to do, that when there seems to be a moment to breathe I just collapse into braindeath.

Ok, it may not be a lot as in my entire world hasn’t been demolished in an earthquake like those poor people in Haiti, but it is a lot in that there are things I have never done before. It’s unknown territory and that is scary because there’s really no map, and I have no idea what to expect.

At work, I’m working on hiring my replacement. I’m leaving for several reasons, not the least of which is that I am going back to school. Secondly, these past couple of years I’ve learned that the position I have there is not one that I am 100% comfortable in. Not that I mind running things, I mind not having the support network I’m supposed to have. I feel like I was thrown in headfirst and while I’m keeping things afloat, I will never make that place shine. I have asked on more than one occasion for help, for training etc and I have recieved the barest minimum of each. My boss talks about making an investment, but he’s not willing to spend the time to do so and I, in all honestly, am not the one he should be spending the time on. It’s not a career I would have chosen and there is a lot to be said about loving your work. One should not dread weekdays because it means going to work.

That is one reason why I’m heading back to school. I’ve taken a couple of years to think seriously about what I wanted to do and I keep coming back to the same thing. And so I have started the process. Transcripts will be sent next week and I will be sending the rest of the package shortly after that, now that I’ve heard back from all the little things I had to do before. I will have to wait for several months until I know whether I am accepted. This is more than a little nerve-wracking, considering that I’m giving up a decent job before I will even know if I have been accepted.

That’s not stressful at all.

In the meantime the house is once again graced with a teenager. Parenthood is one thing, but step parenthood is quite another. I can see on the one hand what it is she’s lacking in support, but at the same time she’s also lacking discipline and a sense of responsibility. (I didn’t really have one at her age either, but given her past life experience and the role model she has in her mother, I’m not sure that’s something she can readily develop without some serious tough lessons learnt on her part.) What I am finding it hard to do is to be tough with her. I can be firm and I can support J, but I can’t be the one to deliver edicts because that merely turns me into the ‘evil stepmother’ and she doesn’t listen to me anyway because I’m ‘not her mom’. I am attempting to do what my mother did with me, which is to give her enough rope to either work it out on her own or strangle herself with it.

Ugh..

And today, there is water on my kitchen floor. Landlord says it’s from the roof, only I don’t know how that could be, since I’m on the third floor. I can has a break now pls?

Listening to: Rabbit Hearted - Florence + The Machine
Reading: Brilliance of the Moon (Tales of the Otori, 3) - Lian Hearn
Today’s Project: cleaning the house, laundry, groceries (what day off?)
Feeling: overtired
Craving: nachoes

This entry was posted on Saturday, January 16th, 2010 at 6:59 pm and is filed under journal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.