I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. Well, between all the crap at work and the crap at home there’s not much time for that… unless one makes time. I think that’s the frustrating thing - I’ve been waiting for a moment, a day, a space where I can just collect myself for the next project, but it doesn’t work like that. Mom told me once that shortly after I was born she asked her mother in law when she would be able to relax and the woman just looked at her, shook her head and said “it’s always like this”. The story really didn’t make that much sense to me until recently.

My time is not my own… and I think that’s part of the reason I’m looking so forward to going back to school. School is for me, not someone else. Right now I work for a company, but that work is not to expand myself, it’s not for me that I do it beyond the fact that I do it for the paycheck and I think most will agree that that’s the least important part of a job. If it’s not fulfilling as an activity then it’s just going to suck your time and your soul. I love to write, but after a long day at work my brain is essentially dead and anything I produce after then is essentially crap. My writing muscles have not seized, but my creative juices are a little dry since I’ve used all my mental energy in the day doing a good job. Everyone says “make time” and so I try on the weekends, but alloted time and my creative spark have little in common. I do better in this alloted time than I do after work, admittedly, but there is always something else to do: dishes, laundry, vacuuming, cooking, shopping, something. Even the games I play seem to be dominated by other people’s needs.

This is not to say that I don’t enjoy meeting other people’s needs. I love my family and work hard because of that to make things work. I just think that my exhaustion is catching up with me. It’s all the unknown amidst the mass of day in and day out crap. J’s arthritis is acting up to the point that I’m afraid for him - and he’s finally gone to the doctor. That’s how I know it’s bad.

Teenager is currently seeming to do quite well. She’s focussed on school, has a part time job and has just messily broken up with a boyfriend. (Honestly, I’m glad. The guy was a manipulative little…will not vent. Will not vent…)

I have caught up on my sleep now. Kind of. I was having bouts of either insomnia, or a series of vivid and exhausting dreams that would make it feel like I’d not slept at all. ‘Course, said dreams have been some excellent fodder for my tendency for fiction but I’ve yet to take many of them beyond the notes and scenes I’ve scribbled in my notebook. I’m working a bit on that today I think… after I finish with the kitchen… I can use the mindless repetition of dishes to work out a plotline.

I realise after reading some of my older entries that I seem to whine a lot. Not my intention, but it is hard to put on the brave, optimistic face twenty-four seven when I’m not really feeling it. Next weekend marks the long wait to see if I am accepted into UWO. Cross your fingers for me and/or pray to whichever gods dominate your existence and I will appreciate your positive energy. Cheers internets!

listening to: Night of the Hunter - 30 Seconds to Mars

This entry was posted on Sunday, March 7th, 2010 at 11:41 am and is filed under journal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.