posted on May 16, 2009 at 10:36 pm by Khali
I had thought that I could have a nice relaxing day of writing today. Or at least this morning. I forget that it takes some time for my brain to switch gears from ‘reality’ to ‘creative’. More so these days since ‘reality’ seems to be so much more intense and requires more of my brainpower to adjust to how things are working.
The boss, the cigar-chomping stress-case that he is, freaks out at the smallest thing and I find that I am not like that - at least not about work. There are things that I simply can do nothing about, so there’s no point in freaking out about it, or stressing over it, or even whining about it. (Though whining about it seems to be a great stress-reliever on some level. I like to vent and I’m sure sometimes that sounds like whining.) Anyway, this seems to cause said boss no end of fits and he gets his fingers into things where I was perfectly fine. This is something TMF is going to have to get used to too. I don’t know if how I handle it is the best approach, but it’s the only one I have: I just let him rant and do his thing and then quietly clean up afterwards. I think perhaps this gives me an appearance of being unruffled, but really, I’m ruffled. I mean really, what in the world did you hire me for if you’re going to try and do it for me anyway? Smeg off already.
Yeah. I’ve been watching Red Dwarf. And a ton of old movies. I need the mindlessness. Besides, Rimmer has some of the best lines ever. i.e. “and on that day, Lister, Satan will be skating to work!”
Anyway, I did manage a few words on a new story. Something that’s been brewing in one form or another for a while. I’m not sure if this particular incarnation will be the final story or not, but it has introduced me to a new character, one I am coming to like very much. His name is Justice - he’s being close-mouthed about his last name right now, but he’s driving the story pretty well. The other, as yet, refuses to be named.
Saw Star Trek tonight. It rocked. The audience clapped at the end. I among them. I have been a Trek fan since junior high when I discovered The Next Generation on prime time and I have to admit I was kind of worried about how JJ Abrams would handle the Trek Universe having admitted that he was more of a Star Wars fan. I need not have worried. Granted there are a couple of things I would have liked to have had explored more (i.e. just WHY do the engine rooms look like breweries and what the heck is with the multiple warp cores? And really? Uhura? I did not see that coming!) it stayed true to the Trek universe in a very satisfying way.
I am sad to say, however, that I have quite possibly lost all of 2005-2006 of my blog archives. I had moved them off blogger in order to archive them, but the file seems to have disappeared before I could burn them. I’ve either deleted it by accident or renamed it to something obscure in accordance to some strange logic, but the fact remains that they’re no longer on blogger and they’re no longer where I thought they were, and a complete search of my computer has produced nothing. Yeah, I feel like a complete idiot and I’m peeved that I’m stupid enough to have not backed it up when I first decided on doing the project. Fuckitty fuck. Fuck. Fuckkity, fuckkity, fuck, fuck.
listening to: Tina Dico - Count to Ten
reading: Tanith Lee - When the Lights Go Out
eating: perogies
drinking: pepsi
watched: Elizabethtown and 4 episodes of Red Dwarf
word count: 512 (ha! better than nothing!)
darling du jour: Justice proves just how stubborn he can be
Posted in commonplace book, work | No Comments » | Tags: blargh, oh smeg, work
posted on May 11, 2009 at 6:54 pm by Khali
This week…. Well, it’s been longer than a week since I last posted, hasn’t it? So I shall rephrase. This last interval has been a tad hairy, thus the absence. Long story short, I think I might be able to relax for five minutes now. Perhaps I shouldn’t say that since Murphy has a tendency to rule my life.
No one ever made the mistake of telling me that step-parenthood was going to be easy. In fact most people rolled their eyes and cringed when I mentioned that J’s daughter was coming to live with us. She’s 16. I’m sure you can do the math. I’m sure you all remember what you were like at that age and cringe at the fits you probably gave your parents. Thing is, I think only half of it is intentional. She’s a smart kid and it’s infuriating that she seems to have no desire to use her brain because it’s too much work. I suppose it comes from being raised in an entirely different atmosphere. I don’t think she’s ever been held to a routine that involved chores, ever. In fact I get the distinct impression that she managed to weasel her way out of whatever was requested of her so many times that she just expects that that is how it works. Right now, she’s peeved that we don’t eat at what she considers a “normal” time and contrives to always be elsewhere so she doesn’t have to eat when we do, or what we do. We’ve suggested that she get a job because J and I can’t afford to maintain the level of spending that she’s used to (this kid must have fifty pairs of shoes!) but she has only tried half-heartedly. She doesn’t really need to because there always seems to be someone willing to fork over some money for whatever she wants. I despair of teaching her the value of money this way. I can’t help it, I care about how she’ll fare when she’s out there on her own but I’m sure that anything I say right now on the subject sounds more like the adults in the Peanuts cartoons or just plain nagging than anything.
It is also equally obvious that she is not used to talking to other people with a proper measure of respect. (This is not entirely unique to her, since I’m fairly certain it’s a trademark of her generation – and not just her age group. Check back with me in ten years and I bet you I’m right on this one. I may even fill you in on why I think this is/will be/might be true.) She keeps throwing the “respect is earned” thing in our faces, but she still talks down or back whenever she gets the chance. Getting her and J to communicate and not jump on each other at the first opportunity is a huge challenge, because J, of course, can’t stand being spoken to like he’s he teenager. (Who does, really?) They’re both so very good at pushing each other’s buttons and it’s a royal pain in the arse to bet out the nerf bat and beat them into submission and/or a place where they can talk like normal human beings. I get that they each want to be treated with respect: Kiddo like an adult and J like the elder. ‘Course, Kiddo is not an adult yet and she’s certainly not behaving in a manner that suggests we should treat her that way, but they’re both so busy being reactionary that I’m getting tired and confused. Because of that I’ve suggested counselling. For all of us. I’m tired of talking at cross-purposes and I can’t figure out how to get them, and me, on the same page. I’ll try anything! I’d like us to be a family after all.
J and I seem to be doing well in spite of everything. It seems that things have conspired to make us work together - not that we weren’t trying to do so before. It just seems that we have more things that require us to form a united front these days than we had before. We’re talking more and making more of an effort to communicate how we really feel about things rather than letting them slide into growliness and angst. We were so good at that for so long that it’s been a bit of a challenge, but neither of us was willing to accept the alternative. This makes me happy. We’re rediscovering what it is we loved about each other in the first place.
We had our birthdays this last weekend and treated each other to MP3 players so that we can have our own respective tunes. It’s a pretty awesome present I must say. (Thanks, Bear.)
In other news, work is weird and things keep happening to make me think that my time there is more limited than I originally thought. My boss doesn’t seem to think that I know my market, or what I’m doing, which is only half fair. I’m learning as I go, but I know for a fact that my branch doesn’t operate the same way that others do. The numbers back me up. As for going out and getting more big clients – well, there is only so much one can do in this kind of atmosphere. This place is totally tourist oriented and I mean totally. There is not the volume of import/export that there used to be.
And to that effect, tourists still amuse me. They are the one part of the job that makes it worthwhile. I mean sometimes we get the occasional “dick-bag” as The Music Fiend (that being my newest teller) calls them, but on the whole they are either very nice, or very amusing. You’d think the things they ask would stop amusing me, but it never gets old. For example:
This one lady comes in earlier today and she has this very puzzled expression on her face. She puts her purse up on the counter and leans close to the glass and says to The Music Fiend:
“I’m confused,”
“Oh no!” says TMF. “What can I do to help?”
“Well, I put my bank card in the ATM and asked for some money and I don’t know what happened!”
“Oh no! Did it give you a receipt or anything?” TMF asks, thinking that perhaps the machine rejected the card.
“Yes!” says the woman and pulls out her wallet. She pulls out a slip of paper and then several twenties. “Yes and it gave me these too, but these aren’t American at all!”
“Oh,” says TMF as she takes the paper and the twenties in through the slot. “This is easy to explain. You see, the machine gave you Canadian money.’
“But I asked for sixty American!”
“Well, you typed in 60 probably, right?”
“Yes,”
“The machine gave you 60 dollars. All it has in it is Canadian you see.” There’s a pause and I can see the woman thinking about this. It’s obvious she had never thought of the machine having anything in it before. It makes me wonder what people think about how they work. If I had asked her before this experience would she have even thought about the actual physical existence of the machine, the physical reality of the money inside it?
“But it took out 60 American from my account!” the woman says, a slightly hysterical look in her eye as she points to the receipt.
“Don’t worry,” says TMF, your bank does the conversion for you; you only withdrew 60 Canadian worth.”
“Are you sure?” she asks suspiciously.
“Positive,” says TMF in her firmest voice. Again there’s a pause, but after a second there’s a visible slump of relief in her shoulders.
“Ok, so what do I do with this?” she asks, gesturing at the three queens in TMF’s hand.
“How long are you in town?” TMF asks.
“Three days,” the woman replies and TMF smiles.
“You’ll need this then,” she says and slides it back to the woman.
“But aren’t all the prices in American?” she asks, the edge of hysteria creeping back onto her face.
“Actually, they’re in Canadian. You are in Canada here after all,” TMF explains.
“Really?”
“Yes, that’s why the machine gave you Canadian money.”
“Oh,” she says and stares at the green money for a moment before stepping away. “This is so new for me,” she says and leaves the store. TMF turns to me and opens her mouth, but nothing comes out - I can’t help it, I burst out laughing.
Now, before you say I’m being mean, this happens with many people, not just American tourists. I mean I suppose it’s not something one thinks about, but I think that if you really did you might come to a logical conclusion. What gets me is that no one actually thinks about how things work, they just take things for granted. Anyway, that was the highlight of a stupid day at work. It amused me. Leave me alone.
On the writing front. I’ve written nothing. Zip. Zero. Zilch. I blame lack of time and stress. Those may be lame excuses, but thats what excuses are. Lame. Truth is, I haven’t taken the time to sit down and write. I’ve let life distract me. Life and all the crap and noise and whatever that comes with it. I am the queen of procrastination.
listening to: Ferry Corsten - Down on Love
reading: Charles de Lint - Widdershins
eating: stew
drinking: pepsi
headspace: a cluttered attic
feeling: flat
Posted in commonplace book, work | 2 Comments » | Tags: blargh, life, step-parenthood, the things tourists do, what lovers do, work
posted on January 6, 2009 at 7:27 pm by Khali
The new year is upon us and tradition begs a recap of the previous year and resolutions for the next. Since it’s ankle-deep in rain outside I’ve been spending a lot of time indoors listening to it drown out the sound of the traffic and thinking.
In a nutshell, 2008 had a few more lows than it did highs and as a result I spent a lot of time hibernating. No more of that in 2009 I tell you. I’m going to do my best to thwart the evil procrastination monster that has taken over my life. I need to find out why I do it and then stop. Procrastination and compulsive lying. I find things coming out of my mouth lately that are complete bullshit and I shock myself. When did that start? it’s a recent thing, but totally silly, like I can’t admit that I don’t know certain things for whatever reason and I have to stop that (and I know I can because I did it for a brief period in junior high, it’s just a matter of being more aware). I’m well on the way, but it’s work! “Do you know how to fill out that report?” “Oh yeah” and there I am thinking WTF just came out of my stupid mouth? Jeebus. If I’ve done it to you, I apologise.
I think also, that I may change careers. In 2008 I learned that I am not made to be a boss. At least not yet. I can’t seem to wrap my mind around being an authority figure and it’s starting to tell here. (Ok, having several employees just up and leave does nothing for the self esteem either, even though they were unrelated to my managing style - which up until now has been “oh I can do that tomorrow” …see? stupid.)
And then there is the field of relationships. One could call that a minefield, actually. I’ve been thinking rather hard and deep about that particular sphere of late for myriad reasons.
I think the human heart is a peculiar animal. In fact, it really is much like an animal, operating on the most base of instincts. It likes the things that give it pleasure and despises the things that cause it pain. it craves attention from those it deems important in it’s life, be it parent, sibling or partner and when it does not get the attention it feels it deserves, it will do things to get it back, and sometimes even go to extremes of bad behaviour to get it and so end up tangled in a knot of it’s own making which causes said heart more pain than it would otherwise have experienced (if it had only listened to it’s counterpart).
But thankfully the human heart is not left to its own devices. It has the aide of the mind. Of course, the mind has to work overtime sometimes not to be overruled by the blind reflexes of the heart, and is often overwhelmed by raw emotion, but it can shed perspective on the behaviours of itself, and of others to help guide the heart to actions and reactions that affect deeper and more positive relationships.
I’m working now for one of those deeper and more positive relationships.
Happy New Year.
listening to: the endless rain
reading: The Dragonbone Chair - Tad Williams
word count: you’re looking at it
eating: chili
drinking: pepsi and wishing there was rum in it (but where’s the rum gone?)
feeling: small
headspace: thoughtful
Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments » | Tags: blargh, little black raincloud, obsessobsessobsess, the road less travelled, think
