your silence hides you from the inside
posted on August 15, 2009 at 12:11 pm by Khali
Sometimes I wish I smoked. Then I would have an excuse to go out and just sit, staring into nothing. Thinking.
I feel sometimes like my entire universe is contracting inside my head, like a prelude to a massive explosion. I’m overcome with nostalgia, with anxiety, stress… things I used to think myself free of. Things I used to disregard as something for weaker people. Bit of a wake up call to realise that these things are breaking me down, piece by piece. I suppose this is the kind of thing people mean when they talk about existential crises. I mean what the hell am I doing here? Sometimes I feel like everything is so fucking pointless and that we’re all running around like chickens throwing out emotions and fucking up with no idea what the big idea is. Heh… ok, that’s exactly what’s happening, but it’s frightening to think that no one on this planet has any self-assurance, or any idea at all that there is actually a direction to go in. Maybe I just feel like that because I’ve lost what self-assurance, confidence or conviction that I once had. I know what I would like to believe. I would like to believe that every thing happens for a reason. Not in the sense that everything is predetermined, because that’s the opposite of chaos in that there is no room for chance, change, art or individuality in that vision of the universe… and that is almost as terrifying as there being too much of that. I suppose we all want to feel like there is order in the universe, and even more so when there feels like there is none in our lives. But it would be nice to feel that and not feel so fucking adrift.
I find myself holding on to the walls, walking slower, laying on the floor, anything, to make things less likely to slip away from me. It’s a little like vertigo in reverse: I’m not falling down, everything else is threatening to fly up and away out of my reach. WHOOSH.
I keep thinking to myself: if only I had some time to think about things, to sort them out in my head… and then I think, even if I make time I’m going to get distracted with all the pieces that fit in, or should fit in and don’t. There really is no way for me to lay everything out and take a good look at it. In other words, I do not have the luxury of falling apart. By that I mean that life makes its demands on me. Rather, I let life make demands. I don’t have control of it, in other words. What I’m not sure of is whether other people feel the other way, like they do have control or if they know it’s an illusion and that they are just holding on to the pretense that everything is just fine. Wearing the mask, doing the dance.
Well, it’s not fine. I’m not fine, I’m overwhelmed. I’m managing, but I’m overwhelmed. The world is not fine: people are rude, ignorant, self-centered, and obsessive to the point that the pretense of society, of communities are stretched into incoherence. Everyone is disconnected and don’t know how to communicate; giving too little or too much of themselves and struggling to find a balance. Playing mind games when there’s no reason to second-guess thier opponent, who is in fact not an opponent but a fellow in the insane rat-race in the first place, someone who should be counted on, not suspected or mistreated or held at arms length. Imagined enemies, tangled intrigues from one level of society to the next - is any of it even real in the face of the fact that people go home every night and have to look at themselves in the mirror? How many people can do that and be reasonably happy with what they see there, literally and metaphorically?
whoosh…. I close my eyes and wait for the spinning to stop just long enough so I can take a deep breath.
I’ve stopped reading the news or watching TV, again. I stopped for a while before and then felt I should be more informed for whatever reason, but I don’t want to know about the killing and dying and general douchebaggery that seems to make up “the news” these days. I want to find something in there that makes sense. I want to see people getting something good because they deserve it. I want to read about someone rescuing someone from some nasty fate, I want to know that people, somewhere, are not self-absorbed assholes. I want to know that my fight to remain sane in this insane world is not futile or even unique. I want a damn success story.
But I say nothing. I can’t tell that story. Not yet. I have a long way to go, on many levels. Right now I’m workin on this reverse vertigo. I just need to sort my personal pile of crap into more manageable pieces. So if I seem a little strange to you people in the next little while that’s what’s up. My head’s in pieces in a way it’s not been for nigh on ten years, though there is no single thing that has caused this particular mass of little black rainclouds. They just seemed to blow in on me all at once and in a great hurry. Now I’m just waiting for the storm to break so I can let the rain wash my brain clean.
listening to: Kosheen - Cover
reading: A complicated kindness - Miriam Toews
hello, 2009
posted on January 6, 2009 at 7:27 pm by Khali
The new year is upon us and tradition begs a recap of the previous year and resolutions for the next. Since it’s ankle-deep in rain outside I’ve been spending a lot of time indoors listening to it drown out the sound of the traffic and thinking.
In a nutshell, 2008 had a few more lows than it did highs and as a result I spent a lot of time hibernating. No more of that in 2009 I tell you. I’m going to do my best to thwart the evil procrastination monster that has taken over my life. I need to find out why I do it and then stop. Procrastination and compulsive lying. I find things coming out of my mouth lately that are complete bullshit and I shock myself. When did that start? it’s a recent thing, but totally silly, like I can’t admit that I don’t know certain things for whatever reason and I have to stop that (and I know I can because I did it for a brief period in junior high, it’s just a matter of being more aware). I’m well on the way, but it’s work! “Do you know how to fill out that report?” “Oh yeah” and there I am thinking WTF just came out of my stupid mouth? Jeebus. If I’ve done it to you, I apologise.
I think also, that I may change careers. In 2008 I learned that I am not made to be a boss. At least not yet. I can’t seem to wrap my mind around being an authority figure and it’s starting to tell here. (Ok, having several employees just up and leave does nothing for the self esteem either, even though they were unrelated to my managing style - which up until now has been “oh I can do that tomorrow” …see? stupid.)
And then there is the field of relationships. One could call that a minefield, actually. I’ve been thinking rather hard and deep about that particular sphere of late for myriad reasons.
I think the human heart is a peculiar animal. In fact, it really is much like an animal, operating on the most base of instincts. It likes the things that give it pleasure and despises the things that cause it pain. it craves attention from those it deems important in it’s life, be it parent, sibling or partner and when it does not get the attention it feels it deserves, it will do things to get it back, and sometimes even go to extremes of bad behaviour to get it and so end up tangled in a knot of it’s own making which causes said heart more pain than it would otherwise have experienced (if it had only listened to it’s counterpart).
But thankfully the human heart is not left to its own devices. It has the aide of the mind. Of course, the mind has to work overtime sometimes not to be overruled by the blind reflexes of the heart, and is often overwhelmed by raw emotion, but it can shed perspective on the behaviours of itself, and of others to help guide the heart to actions and reactions that affect deeper and more positive relationships.
I’m working now for one of those deeper and more positive relationships.
Happy New Year.
listening to: the endless rain
reading: The Dragonbone Chair - Tad Williams
word count: you’re looking at it
eating: chili
drinking: pepsi and wishing there was rum in it (but where’s the rum gone?)
feeling: small
headspace: thoughtful
